Jokes

I Knock knock! Who's there? Dwayne! Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub I'm drowning!

Hope you've got a little time on your hands because this page is getting pretty big. I may break it out into several sections someday. Email me at marktrainer@marktrainer.com if you know of a good one.

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their project manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office right after lunch."

The first one thought, "If I can cause a distraction, maybe I can get away." Just as the squad leader said, "Ready, aim...", the guy yelled "Tornado!" The squad all looked and the prisoner escaped.

The second one thought he'd try the same thing. The squad leader said, "Ready, aim..." The second guy yelled, "Flood!" The squad all looked and he also escaped.

The third guy thought he could do it too. But when the leader said, "Ready, aim...", the third guy yelled, "Fire!"

Two Consultants go to the beach, and after a while one Consultant says to the other, "I just don't understand. None of the girls are coming on to me. What can I do?"

The other Consultant says, "Well perhaps if you stick a potato in your shorts. That would help."

The first Consultant man ? goes away and returns a short while later, saying "Lad, this potato has been no help at all."

The second gentleman's eyes grow large and he exclaims, "No lass!! You're supposed to put the potato in the front!"

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend !"

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy ! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal ?"

Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30 AM. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf course or intercourse ?' She says, 'Wear a sweater.'"

These three guys go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail.

They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and say's "Well, I'm a fighting Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."

REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.

With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.

"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."

A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.

"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."

"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."

As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.

Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft.

"We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers."

Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world."

According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized.

"Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."

Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week.

Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling.

In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind.

"Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes."

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said: "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said: "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said: "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary Clinton sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

Hillary is waiting at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes up and says, "I know you were somebody down on Earth, but you are just like everyone else up here, so you will have to wait your turn."

Hillary takes a seat and notices this wall covered with clocks.

She also notices that every now and then, different clocks jump 15 minutes ahead in time.

When St. Peter returns, Hillary says, "What's with all the clocks?"

St. Peter replies, "Well, each clock represents a man back on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Why is it that some of the clocks skip ahead 15 minutes?"

"Every time a clock skips, that means that a man has either lied or committed adultery," answers St. Peter.

"Which one is my husband's clock?" inquires Hillary.

"God has that one in his office," answers St. Peter. "He uses it as a ceiling fan."

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice woman he could, and taking a little kiss here and there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action".

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they took care of business. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"

Dear Redneck Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Alabama family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your
brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Subject: Steve Wright Thoughts

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a Woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

**Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? shouldn't they be called builts?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not a door?

**Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you...
**Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

**Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

**I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out - caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout.

Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him...

"HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.

"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.

"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man.

He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

One day while walking down the street a highly successful, executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven"

Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

Two friends were playing golf, when one pulled out a cigar. He didn`t have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter.

"Wow ! " said his friend, "where did you get that monster?" "I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he`s right here in my golf bag."

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I`m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said.

So he asks the genie for a million bucks, and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken, and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?

Can't piss if any one is watching. Pretends he has already pissed, and sneaks back later.

Whistles loudly while pissing, peeps over partition to look at the other person's tool.

Not quite sure what he has been upto. Lately makes a furtive examination of his tool while pissing.

Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to piss but fails, farts again, and walks away muttering.

Pisses down into his shoes, walks out with his fly open and adjusts his balls ten minutes later.

The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarfs start chanting softly, "Dopey did a penguin, Dopey did a penguin..."

The wedding reception was over. The petite bride and her burly linebacker groom were finally alone in their honeymoon suite. Removing his tuxedo trousers, he tossed them to her and in a tone she hadn't heard before, ordered, "Here, put these on."

Surprised, but willing, she kicked off her wedding slippers and pulled on the pants. Naturally, their waistband was just about twice as big around as she was.

Holding them up so they wouldn't fall down, she pointed out, "I can't wear your pants, Honey."

"That's right," he quickly answered, "and don't you forget it! From now on, I'm going to be the one who who wears the pants in this family!"

"Oh, I see," she answered mildly. With that, she stepped out of her undies, flipped them to him, and said, "Please try these on for a moment."

He did, and of course he could get them on only as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Don't be ridiculous, Honey; I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, my dear, and that's the way things are going to stay until you adjust your attitude..."

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Vernon Jordan. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Jordan said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the finger tips on the balcony below mine.

But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Vernon enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator..."

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.

One Texan said to the other, That there gal is having a bad time! The other agreed and said, Think we should go help? You bet, said the first, and with that he ran over and said, Can your breath? She shook her head no. He said, Can you speak? Again, she shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the ass. So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breath.

After sitting back by his friend, the Texan said, Funny how that hind lick maneuver always works.

A lawyer was visiting a farmer on business. When he stepped out of his Mercedes in the farmyard, he stepped into a pile of cow dung.

Looking down, he cried, "my God, I'm melting!"

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area--you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. "I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.""

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.(DAVA)

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

12. Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!

11. Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.

10. Feel the force!

9. Foreplay, cuddling. A Jedi craves not these things.

8. Down here I am. Find a ladder I must!

7. Do me or do me not, there is no try.

6. Early must I rise. Leave now you must!

5. You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my
foot.

4. Happens to every guy sometimes this does.

3. When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?

2. Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!

1. Who's your Jedi Master? Who's your Jedi Master?

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'!